1
00:00:02,132 --> 00:00:04,265
♪♪ [theme]

2
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MAN: Lookout Two.
we're approaching Hill 347.

3
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RADIO DISPATCHER:
We read you, Lookout Two.

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Adjust coordinates to 8-1-4.

5
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[missile whistling]

6
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[machine guns firing]

7
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[missile whistling]

8
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Lookout Two,
we are adjusting.

9
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:12,681
Come in, Lookout Two.

10
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,511
This is Lookout Two.

11
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We've been hit.
We're taking fire.

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We read you.
Corpsmen will respond.

13
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MAN: Battalion Aid Station 12

14
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calling MASH 4077.

15
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MASH 4077. Come in, Radar.

16
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Radar here, Bernie.
What do you got?

17
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,140
They're hitting
this side of 347.

18
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We've got wounded
starting to roll in.

19
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Get the choppers
off their pads.

20
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Got one on the way,
Bernie. On the way.

21
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[explosions continue]

22
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[helicopter whirling]

23
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[explosions continue]

24
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Clear!

25
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MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention! Attention!

26
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,609
All medical personnel
report to stations.

27
00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:56,088
Incoming wounded.

28
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One team to the chopper pad.

29
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One team to the chopper pad.

30
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How is he, Hawk?

31
00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:17,458
After a trip with you?
He may survive.

32
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Are you kidding?
He went first class!

33
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:22,593
In that case, his luggage
is probably in Cleveland.

34
00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:23,594
Let's go.

35
00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:32,647
Suction.

36
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,605
-Sponge.
-Sponge.

37
00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:37,129
Oh, thank you.

38
00:03:37,173 --> 00:03:38,783
You're very good, my dear.
Where'd you train?

39
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Bellevue, Doctor.

40
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Lovely place, Bellevue.

41
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I had an uncle who
spent some time there.

42
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Not a doctor, I'm afraid.

43
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:48,576
They caught him
in the subway

44
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wearing mirrors
on top of his shoes.

45
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:51,622
Can we get on with
the operation

46
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and can the bugle oil?

47
00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:55,060
It's very simple, Frank.

48
00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:58,150
A lacerated artery adjacent
to the lower femur.

49
00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:00,370
-That's above the knee.
-Wise apple!

50
00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:02,503
You wanna finish
for me, Frank?

51
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:05,593
It's an easy operation.
You could do it
with your eyes closed.

52
00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:08,596
Maybe you'd like to try
one with your eyes open
for a change.

53
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:10,119
-Vascular silk.
-NURSE: Vascular silk.

54
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:11,773
How's it goin', Doc?

55
00:04:11,816 --> 00:04:14,906
I say he's gonna have a boy.
Nurse King says a girl.

56
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-Lacerated artery.
-Yep.

57
00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:18,519
I thought so.
That's easy.

58
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:20,825
Did I tell ya?

59
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:22,044
-Suture scissors.
-Suture scissors.

60
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:25,700
-[click]
-HAWKEYE: Oh.

61
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:28,006
Give him some
nitrous oxide, Frank.

62
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Maybe we can
get him to smile.

63
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:31,488
You're both
a couple of ghouls.

64
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You know, I've got shots of
every one of 'em that lived.

65
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:37,364
It's a thing,
like stepping on a crack.

66
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:39,627
If I take their picture,
they live.

67
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,498
And like an idiot,
I went to medical school.

68
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,414
What's his name, babe?

69
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,982
Corporal Howard Owens.

70
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,724
I think he's a repeater.

71
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,161
You're new here.

72
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:55,295
HAWKEYE:
Lieutenant Cathy King,
Lieutenant Jack Mitchell.

73
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,558
Why don't we step
outside, Frank?

74
00:04:57,601 --> 00:05:00,038
Leave the young
folks alone.

75
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:01,475
See you around later,
Lieutenant?

76
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,041
Unless the war ends.

77
00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:04,826
How many will this
make for you, Jack?

78
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:07,089
839.

79
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:10,440
Dangerous Dan's got 842.
I need three to tie.

80
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:13,182
Oh, now, that's disgusting!

81
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:16,403
We're talking about the wounded
he's brought back, Frank.

82
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:19,275
Hmm? Oh.

83
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,885
Well, listen,
is it too much to ask

84
00:05:20,929 --> 00:05:23,105
that we have just some
normal procedure in here?

85
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:24,889
I mean, really!
The O.R.'s not supposed to be

86
00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:26,543
some kind of kaffeeklatsch

87
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where flyboys drop in to
boast about their records,

88
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which those of us
on the ground

89
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could give less
of a hoot about.

90
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Or to promote a nurse,

91
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,986
who is absolutely going on
report at the very next smirk.

92
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,119
Or to stand around taking
pictures of the wounded

93
00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:39,339
for their scrapbooks,
for Pete's sake!

94
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:40,862
-Major?
-Hmm?

95
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:41,906
Smile.

96
00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:43,299
[camera shutter clicks]

97
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,307
-Major.
-Captain.

98
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:55,224
Business is good, I see.
Certainly pays to advertise.

99
00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:56,704
Shall we start our rounds?

100
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:58,009
I don't want
to miss the ballet.

101
00:05:58,053 --> 00:05:59,054
Hmm?

102
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:04,799
Uh, concussion from
an 85-millimeter shell.

103
00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:07,018
Jarred the right eye
out of the socket.

104
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:09,847
He replaced the eye himself
without serious damage.

105
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:13,068
Hey! Trying to put
us doctors out of work,

106
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,418
sticking your own eye
back in?

107
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:17,202
Just happened to be
the first one there.

108
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,595
Good point.

109
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:22,120
Continue him
on the penicillin.

110
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,992
Yes, Doctor.

111
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Lacerated femoral artery.

112
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B.P. stable.
Temperature normal.

113
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B.J.:
Good distal pulses.

114
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Continue bed rest.

115
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[sigh] It's amazing.

116
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:39,660
Pardon?

117
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:42,358
How Lois Lane
never figures it out.

118
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,838
I know I'd recognize you

119
00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:45,492
if I saw you in your
underwear and a cape.

120
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:48,320
That's hardly likely.

121
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:49,931
Just a thought.

122
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:52,542
-What's a thought?
-No.

123
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:55,284
Seeing the major
in her underwear.

124
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:58,766
Why would you
want to do that?

125
00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:00,289
Is this Corporal Owens?
Howard Owens?

126
00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:01,464
Right there.

127
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:02,639
-Corporal?
-Uh, hey.

128
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,293
-Corporal Owens?
-Frank,

129
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,251
Frank, he's supposed to sleep.

130
00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:09,994
This is a little more
important than sleep, pally.

131
00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:11,343
Look alive there!

132
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"The President of the United
States is proud to award

133
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:19,221
"Corporal Howard W. Owens
the Order of the Purple Heart

134
00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:21,658
"as a tribute to his devotion
to duty and sacrifice

135
00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:23,181
"made in the line of that duty

136
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:25,488
-and in the face of the enemy."
-MARGARET: [sigh]

137
00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:29,013
He's asleep
with excitement, Frank.

138
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,667
Come on. Wake up, Owens.

139
00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:31,886
Don't you understand?

140
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:33,844
You're getting
the Purple Heart.

141
00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:37,152
Sorry, sir.
This is my second one.

142
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:39,241
Lucky pup.

143
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:40,764
I'd do anything to earn one.

144
00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:42,636
Short of getting wounded.

145
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,725
Can we get on with it?

146
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:47,075
I say we don't.
The patient
obviously needs rest

147
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,772
more than he needs
decoration.

148
00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:50,121
Why don't we just
present the medal

149
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,383
with his milk and cookies?

150
00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:52,689
You are demeaning
a military citation

151
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:54,169
fraught with patriotism.

152
00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:56,214
Heroism in battle
must be rewarded,

153
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,521
or else people will behave
the way they really feel.

154
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:02,525
A soldier must
receive his medal

155
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:03,744
so that he will
always remember

156
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,441
just what a token
our gratitude is.

157
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,835
Oh, give him the medal.

158
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:14,494
Ow!

159
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:16,191
Sorry.

160
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:18,541
Is everything all right?

161
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:20,195
You're fine.
All we have to do

162
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,240
is keep the doctors
away from you.

163
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:30,640
You up to me yet, Radar?

164
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:32,424
Hold your potatoes.

165
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,035
Um, Colonel, sir.

166
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,606
Um, it's okay, sir.
Ready, uh...

167
00:08:40,824 --> 00:08:42,522
Read what we've got so far.

168
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:43,566
Yes, sir.

169
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,655
"Major General Handley Wacker,

170
00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:47,309
8th Army, I Corps"...

171
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:49,485
Et cetera, et cetera,
you know.

172
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,313
Uh, "Pursuant to your request,

173
00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:53,097
"this is a formal apology

174
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:55,491
"for the behavior
of Captain B.F. Pierce

175
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,363
"during your recent
visit to MASH 4077.

176
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:01,541
"I certainly agree that
the captain was out of line

177
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:03,325
"when he showed up for
the unit inspection

178
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:06,241
"wearing only an
athletic supporter."

179
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,635
Uh, sir, how many P's
in supporter?

180
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:11,594
I've always found two
were enough for me.

181
00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,683
Oh.

182
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:15,424
As you know...

183
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:17,208
As you know...

184
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,428
...it is very difficult
to discipline doctors.

185
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:20,603
Knock-knock.

186
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,562
Jack Mitchell.
Son of a gun.

187
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,041
Smilin' Jack.

188
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,130
I haven't seen you
since the 121st Evac.

189
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,567
You look terrific, sir.

190
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,743
-So do you.
-Not a day older.

191
00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:33,094
Well, whatever I've got
that's old falls away--

192
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:35,575
hair, teeth.

193
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,751
[chuckle]
I brought a kid in
to get patched up,

194
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,796
-and I had to say hello.
-Well, glad you did.

195
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,363
Listen, you old scrounger,

196
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,104
where can I get
some streptomycin?

197
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:45,541
I'm running low,
and Supply is still trying

198
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,630
to get stuff to Valley Forge.

199
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:50,067
[Irish brogue] I just might
be able to lay me hands

200
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,416
on a couple of cases.

201
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:53,505
Great.
I'll give you some--

202
00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:55,420
what can we spare,
Radar?

203
00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:57,466
Uh, well, we've got
eight gallons of DDT, sir.

204
00:09:57,509 --> 00:10:00,643
Oh, then how about, um...

205
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:03,037
Oh, we've got a gross
of tongue depressors.

206
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,692
Didn't we get two cases
of aftershave lotion?

207
00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:08,912
Aha! The 8055th needs
specimen bottles.

208
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:10,348
I'll take a case.

209
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:12,568
Sir, we were gonna
use 'em for that.

210
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,309
Oh, give 'em to him, Radar.

211
00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:16,441
We need the streptomycin.
We'll improvise.

212
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:18,095
-We'll finish the letter--
-We'll finish the letter later.

213
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:19,270
-You're welcome.
-Thank you.

214
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,059
Colonel?

215
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,323
Now, that's a "cee-gar."

216
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:29,846
From MacArthur's
headquarters.

217
00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:31,326
Havana.

218
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:32,849
Actually, it's a dozen
thin Cubans

219
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:33,981
rolled together.

220
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,373
Much "obleeged,"
Lieutenant.

221
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:37,462
I'll save this
for after dinner.

222
00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:40,117
On second thought,
I'll have it for dinner.

223
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:42,859
Here you go.

224
00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:44,513
It's good enough for MacArthur.

225
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:47,603
I'll probably develop an urge
to walk on the water.

226
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,955
What's this?

227
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,088
Nothin'.

228
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:56,220
Isn't that
where the Australian
nurse scratched you?

229
00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:58,919
Just 'cause I wanted to
go home in her pouch.

230
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:00,747
I patched that months ago.

231
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,705
Who counts?

232
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:06,100
Sir, uh, there's only
half a case left.

233
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,841
Honest.

234
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:09,407
You owe me.

235
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:12,584
You still owe me for saying
that was a battle injury.

236
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,151
You weren't lyin'.

237
00:11:19,548 --> 00:11:21,593
-Inspection...
-Sit down, Radar.

238
00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:23,683
Let's pick it up from
"athletic supporter."

239
00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:25,119
-As you know...
-As you know,

240
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,077
it is very difficult
to discipline doctors.

241
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:29,732
And Captain Pierce
is no exception.

242
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,168
Did I say that?

243
00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:35,869
Uh, you were about to, sir.

244
00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:37,827
[speaking Korean]

245
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,437
Now...

246
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,352
the syringe is going
to go up in the air

247
00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:43,093
and come down and stick
in the orange, right?

248
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:45,008
-That's right.
-Never.

249
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:47,445
That's what they said
about the Wright Brothers.

250
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:48,838
They hustle drinks, too?

251
00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:50,753
Oh, yeah. They got
that thing off the ground

252
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,320
for a free scotch and water.

253
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:54,539
[imitating drum roll]

254
00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:58,152
-B.J.: [laugh]
-HAWKEYE: Ah.

255
00:11:58,195 --> 00:12:01,242
Double club soda, please,
on their tab.

256
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,722
There's a magnet
in the orange.

257
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:04,549
That's it.

258
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,595
He peels the orange,
he puts a magnet inside,

259
00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:08,423
and then he glues the rind
back on the orange

260
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,338
without a single
seam showing,

261
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,122
and I don't know what the
hell I'm talkin' about.

262
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,950
It's talent, Pure talent.

263
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:15,430
Club soda?

264
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:16,779
Mm-hmm.

265
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,433
That'll stunt your
growth, you know.

266
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:20,696
The bubbles
settle in your feet.

267
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,785
I'll take my chances.

268
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,831
-I can do it.
-Oh, yeah?

269
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,571
I'll bet you an
honorable discharge.

270
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:27,703
You're on.

271
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:31,446
[imitating drum roll]

272
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:32,926
-Is that right?
-Mm-hmm.

273
00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,195
Colonel.

274
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:43,719
How many club sodas
did he stick you for?

275
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,720
Two, so far.

276
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,635
Took me for 17
one night.

277
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,768
Probably uses
a loaded syringe.

278
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,508
You can use your own, sir.

279
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:53,990
Lieutenant Mitchell,

280
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,384
pending completion of a
thorough physical examination,

281
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:57,689
you're officially grounded.

282
00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,953
Sir?

283
00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:01,650
I'm afraid that's an order.

284
00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:04,087
Doctors, check him out.

285
00:13:16,752 --> 00:13:19,059
124 over 82.

286
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,495
Am I gonna live?

287
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:22,889
Another 50, 60 years, tops.

288
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:24,760
You certainly look
in good shape.

289
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,588
I could've
had his physique.
I turned it down.

290
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:27,719
Hmm.

291
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:28,895
Hold it one second,
Jack.

292
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,331
One more thing.

293
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:31,636
What's this for?

294
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,029
We're gonna
toast the Kaiser.

295
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:34,814
Someone swiped
our specimen jars.

296
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,685
We were told to improvise.
Do the best you can.

297
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,121
Oh, come on.
You've got all you need.

298
00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:39,427
Hey, hey, hey!

299
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:40,820
Potter said a
complete physical.

300
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,256
It's on the house.
Come on.

301
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,171
Hey, listen,
I'm not fillin' it.

302
00:13:44,214 --> 00:13:45,955
Go get your two cents
back on the bottle.

303
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,741
What does Potter
suspect, Jack?

304
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:51,656
Save us all
a lot of time.

305
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:55,965
I take forever to heal.

306
00:13:57,184 --> 00:14:00,840
I'm always... thirsty.

307
00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:03,755
Diabetes.

308
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:07,977
The needle.
You get a lot of practice.

309
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:11,241
I only need it once a day.
Sometimes twice.

310
00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:12,634
HAWKEYE:
Is that all?

311
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:14,854
Well, sometimes three times.

312
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,899
That's what
Bela Lugosi said.

313
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,161
Where do you get
the insulin?

314
00:14:18,205 --> 00:14:19,641
I can get anything.

315
00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:21,773
I got insulin connections
right up to the yahoo.

316
00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:22,905
No problem.

317
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:24,428
Yes problem.

318
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:30,521
Oh, and I was gonna
hand my wings in myself.

319
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:34,569
Now, Dangerous Dan's got 842.
I only need three to tie,

320
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:37,528
four to make
Chopper Pilot Of the Year.

321
00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:40,314
You'll have to settle
for Miss Congeniality.

322
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:41,358
Sorry, Jack.

323
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:43,273
Nobody's gonna ground me yet.

324
00:14:43,317 --> 00:14:44,666
Nobody.

325
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,106
Temp, normal. BP stable.

326
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:51,673
-He can be shipped tomorrow.
-Good.

327
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,283
About a week in Seoul,

328
00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:54,850
and you'll be back
in action, fella.

329
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,504
Yes, sir.

330
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:57,809
Oh, how I envy you.

331
00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,724
Right up there in
the heat of battle.

332
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,075
The smell of powder.
The cannon's roar.

333
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:03,990
Commies biting the dust.

334
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:05,861
[laughs]
Yeah, we're really
clobbering 'em now

335
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,429
that we got 'em
to the peace table.

336
00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,257
You give 'em
what for, soldier.

337
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,955
Frank, can we take his drains
out before he re-enlists?

338
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:15,653
The major was merely
preparing the patient

339
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:18,221
to return to the duty
for which he was trained.

340
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:19,353
Why don't we just
hit him on the nose

341
00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:21,224
with a rolled-up newspaper?

342
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:22,573
Major.

343
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,014
How you doing, Owens?

344
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:28,971
Okay.

345
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:32,844
Can I talk to you, Doc?

346
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,543
Why do you think
I came to Korea?

347
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:40,896
You know anything
about psychiatry?

348
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,203
Enough to know I'm not supposed
to go steady with my mother.

349
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:45,901
A little.

350
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:50,514
I don't wanna go back...
to the fighting.

351
00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:52,777
Mmm, sounds serious.

352
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:55,215
You may be coming down
with mental health.

353
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:58,174
This is the second time
I've been clobbered.

354
00:15:58,218 --> 00:15:59,610
This'll be the second time

355
00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:01,134
they'll put me
back in the line.

356
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,354
You ever been up there?

357
00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:05,790
Haven't had the pleasure.

358
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,270
Ah.

359
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,925
[sighs]

360
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,276
The Chinese blow bugles
and whistles.

361
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,452
They put up a racket.

362
00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:18,673
Boy, it's scary.

363
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,719
Why don't I quit?
Go AWOL?

364
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,199
I just keep going back.

365
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:26,681
Like without me,
there's no war.

366
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,511
We all take orders.

367
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,339
Some take them
better than others.

368
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,905
You're a good
order-taker.

369
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:37,083
It's not a death wish, is it?

370
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:39,346
I read something about
self-destruction.

371
00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:41,870
You're not the
self-destructive type.

372
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:43,045
Take it from the man who
keeps putting his finger

373
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,091
in the pencil
sharpener.

374
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,093
Sir? Sir?

375
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,703
Easy, Radar.

376
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,618
Sir, it's
Lieutenant Mitchell.
He just took off.

377
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:53,142
He's gonna make a pickup down
at the Battalion Aid Station.

378
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,709
Speaking of
self-destruction.

379
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,145
Is he the pilot
brought me in?

380
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:57,277
Yeah.

381
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,626
I hope they don't get him.

382
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:00,454
Well, if they don't,
he will.

383
00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:01,977
Radar, stay with him,
will ya?

384
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,631
We were just
talking about fear.

385
00:17:05,981 --> 00:17:07,548
That's my best thing.

386
00:17:09,419 --> 00:17:13,989
This is MASH 4077 calling
chopper 17-Fox-Able-Charlie.

387
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,774
Come in,
17-Fox-Able-Charlie.

388
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,733
You suppose any of us will
ever speak English again?

389
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,083
Do you read me?
Come in if you read me.

390
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:23,825
He is not supposed to be
flying around up there.

391
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:26,045
-Maybe his arms
will get tired.
-Hysterical.

392
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:27,481
I thought you
grounded him.

393
00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:29,178
I should've nailed
him to the floor.

394
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:30,571
Where'd you get that?

395
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:31,833
The Petrified Forest.

396
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,878
They still open?

397
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:36,098
JACK: Chopper
17-Fox-Able-Charlie.

398
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,665
That you, Colonel Potter?

399
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:40,102
Jack, get back here.
Can you hear me?

400
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,582
Sorry, Colonel.

401
00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:43,540
Worst you can do
is send me home.

402
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:45,281
You're gonna do that anyway.

403
00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:46,978
This is my last chance.

404
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:49,024
They're clobbering
our guys here.

405
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,287
I can pick up four easy

406
00:17:51,331 --> 00:17:53,333
and break
Dangerous Dan's record.

407
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:55,074
[explosions]

408
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:03,082
The thing is,
you get conditioned.

409
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,083
You know?

410
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:05,562
Yeah.

411
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,783
When I hear a twig snap,

412
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:11,394
I think it's a North Korean
creeping up on me,

413
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:12,874
ready to slit my throat.

414
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:17,139
When I hear a twig snap,
I think it's my uncle Ed

415
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:20,621
coming to catch me with
my "National Geographic."

416
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,754
You know,
the African pictures?

417
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,887
When they sent me back
to the evac hospital,

418
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:30,152
all the nurses there
wore rubber-soled shoes.

419
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:34,156
At night, it sounded just like
the sneakers the Chinese wear.

420
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,027
Really?

421
00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:41,163
You're half sunk in the mud,
and you hear that squeak,

422
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:43,252
you know they're
coming to get you.

423
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:46,342
I never sleep in
the hospital.

424
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:50,868
Now they're
sending me back.

425
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:55,003
Well, listen, uh...

426
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:57,179
Hey, maybe you
should take this.

427
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:01,792
It's my lucky
four-leaf clover.

428
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,838
It's a little squished.

429
00:19:03,881 --> 00:19:06,188
Uh, I had it in my pocket
when a jeep ran over me.

430
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,234
But, mostly,
it works, though.

431
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:11,367
It makes you feel like
nothing can happen to you.

432
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:13,935
Can you spare it?

433
00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:15,328
Oh, sure.

434
00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:19,810
I think I need less
luck back here.

435
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:21,029
Gee.

436
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,946
You're a nice guy.

437
00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,561
I used to get hit if I wasn't.

438
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:35,043
The first pilot I ever knew
was Duncan MacShane.

439
00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:36,653
World War I.

440
00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:38,916
Used to fly low and throw
grenades at his targets.

441
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,092
Pulled the pin on
one grenade, threw it,

442
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:42,833
and the wind dumped it
back in his lap.

443
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:45,662
[chuckles]
Oh, that smarts.

444
00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:47,577
He tossed it out in time,

445
00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:49,275
but you couldn't tell him
anything, either.

446
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:52,974
Should I be hearing
Arthur Godfrey?

447
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,585
Jack's vision could blur.

448
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:57,892
He could black out.
He's a sick man.

449
00:19:57,935 --> 00:20:01,548
You realize, if he crashes,
it goes on my record.

450
00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:04,855
Besides, he owes me
two cases of streptomycin.

451
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:07,815
To get the four men he wants,

452
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,165
he's gonna have to put
two inside with him.

453
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,732
They'll have to be small.

454
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,516
B.J.: My draft board's
taking Boy Scouts.

455
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,997
POTTER: If he gets them on,
there's no way he can take off.

456
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,043
175 horsepower just isn't
enough to lift 'em.

457
00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:02,913
If that character manages
to get off the ground

458
00:21:02,957 --> 00:21:04,393
and bring back four wounded

459
00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:06,482
without killing them, him,
or the chopper,

460
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:08,267
I want him to get a medal.

461
00:21:09,659 --> 00:21:11,270
Then I want him locked up.

462
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:15,752
HAWKEYE: Prep 'em.
We'll be right down!

463
00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:19,016
That's it, Jack.
The sky's off-limits now.

464
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,757
Who cares? I did it!

465
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:24,065
I did it! 843!

466
00:21:24,108 --> 00:21:27,938
Chopper Pilot Of the Year,
possibly of all time!

467
00:21:27,982 --> 00:21:30,593
Well, just to make sure you
stay grounded, let's have it.

468
00:21:30,637 --> 00:21:32,291
Oh, yeah, sure.
Anything.

469
00:21:37,818 --> 00:21:38,993
Oh.

470
00:21:57,751 --> 00:21:59,013
Sorry, Jack.

471
00:22:01,581 --> 00:22:04,323
Guess I'll sell
my club soda stock.

472
00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:07,151
I hated to be the one to blow
the whistle on you, Jack.

473
00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:09,502
No sweat, Colonel.
A few sitting lessons,

474
00:22:09,545 --> 00:22:11,591
and I'll be able to solo
at a desk in no time.

475
00:22:11,634 --> 00:22:13,070
I'm not worried about you.

476
00:22:13,114 --> 00:22:14,942
I'll send you
a box of cigars.

477
00:22:14,985 --> 00:22:16,726
I got nothing to trade.

478
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,467
Just gift wrap a nurse.

479
00:22:18,511 --> 00:22:20,600
-That's a deal.
-See ya.

480
00:22:24,299 --> 00:22:25,561
-We'll do triage here.
-Right.

481
00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:27,346
We may have a blood
problem, Radar.

482
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,217
-Line up some donors.
-I'll tell Major Houlihan.

483
00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:30,436
Hey.

484
00:22:30,479 --> 00:22:32,220
I'm supposed to
leave on this bus.

485
00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:34,527
Oh, yeah.
They gotta get the
wounded off first.

486
00:22:34,570 --> 00:22:37,356
Hey, I know you're working.
I just wanna say thanks

487
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,793
and I hope I never
see you again, you know?

488
00:22:39,836 --> 00:22:41,708
Yeah.

489
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:43,405
Listen, just keep
down low, huh?

490
00:22:43,449 --> 00:22:44,711
Okay.

491
00:22:45,973 --> 00:22:47,496
-Owens?
-Yes, sir.

492
00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:49,411
-How's the leg?
-Oh, fine, sir.

493
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:51,979
-Where you headed?
-Uh, Seoul, for now.

494
00:22:52,022 --> 00:22:53,720
Then probably
back up to the front.

495
00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:55,199
They're taking me
out of the game.

496
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:00,553
Here, let me
give you a hand.

497
00:23:02,685 --> 00:23:04,731
Suppose the Gypsies
switched them at birth?

498
00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,428
Not a very fair war.

499
00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:08,169
Contradiction in terms.

500
00:23:08,212 --> 00:23:10,998
Roy, Dennis? This one, stat.

501
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:16,133
We got more
casualties comin' in,

502
00:23:16,177 --> 00:23:17,526
but the blood donors
are lined up.

503
00:23:17,570 --> 00:23:19,833
Could you use a pint,
extra sweet?

504
00:23:19,876 --> 00:23:21,356
On the bus.

505
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,662
A little respect, please,

506
00:23:22,705 --> 00:23:24,403
for the Chopper
Pilot Of the Year.

507
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,407
I don't think so, sir.

508
00:23:36,023 --> 00:23:37,372
Dangerous Dan?

509
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:38,504
Uh-huh.

510
00:23:38,547 --> 00:23:40,375
He's bringing in two more.

511
00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:50,994
You go scrub up. I'll go
do triage from the pad.

512
00:23:51,038 --> 00:23:52,779
I'll do triage up there!

513
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:06,967
[chatter]

514
00:24:07,010 --> 00:24:09,535
POTTER: Wildest pilot I ever
knew, old Duncan MacShane.

515
00:24:09,578 --> 00:24:11,232
Flew his plane
through a hangar once,

516
00:24:11,275 --> 00:24:13,103
came out the other side,

517
00:24:13,147 --> 00:24:15,628
turned around,
did the same thing again.

518
00:24:15,671 --> 00:24:17,630
His squadron leader yelled up,

519
00:24:17,673 --> 00:24:20,284
"I thought I told you to put
that plane in the hangar."

520
00:24:20,328 --> 00:24:23,070
MacShane yells back,
"I've had it there twice.

521
00:24:23,113 --> 00:24:24,985
Why don't someone
lock the door?"

522
00:24:25,028 --> 00:24:27,422
-[chuckle]
-[chuckle]

523
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:30,512
You can get quite a repertoire
from three wars, eh, Colonel?

524
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:32,122
Sad to say.

525
00:24:32,166 --> 00:24:34,690
-Of the three wars, Colonel...
-Hmm?

526
00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:36,823
Which would you say
was the worst?

527
00:24:36,866 --> 00:24:38,825
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

528
00:24:38,868 --> 00:24:41,001
By the close
of today's fighting,

529
00:24:41,044 --> 00:24:43,133
the 1st Battalion
of the Gloucester Regiment

530
00:24:43,177 --> 00:24:47,442
has lost an estimated 500 men
of its 600-man complement.

531
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:49,923
Each and every one, Hawkeye.

532
00:24:49,966 --> 00:24:51,620
Each and every one.

533
00:24:53,056 --> 00:24:55,276
-[sigh]
-Clamp.

534
00:24:55,319 --> 00:24:57,234
[chatter]

535
00:24:59,672 --> 00:25:01,021
-Clamp.
-Sponge.

536
00:25:05,765 --> 00:25:07,767
♪♪ [theme]